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Anticipatory Fear

Something interesting happened to me earlier this week. I was flying from Orange County to San Jose for a busy week of client programs. It seemed a bit windy the morning of my trip and I saw on my weather app that San Francisco was expecting an equally windy day. I didn’t think anything of it. It’s been unseasonably hot in California this month as the Santa Ana winds are in full swing.

I get to my Alaska flight (I love flying Alaska!) and the pilot informs us that the flight attendants will be seated the whole ride because the turbulence is not in our favor. Now, those of you who follow my leadership chronicles know that turbulence and I are not good friends. You also know that we have come to terms with one another by agreeing to disagree and finding my relative peace in the sky.

I knew there would be turbulence on a very windy day but still felt complete nonchalance. That is, until the moment the pilot announced what to “unfortunately” expect. I froze in that instant. My palms started sweating, my heartbeat doubled in pace, and my bladder immediately activated. We hadn’t even left the gate. Captain Daniel’s words triggered me right into anticipatory fear.

The funny thing about fear is that it only exists in anticipation. What actually happened on the flight was moderate turbulence that didn’t even phase me. What I anticipated would happen was sheer terror until the moment I actually passed through the fear (in this case, turbulence) and realized I was completely fine.

I’d urge you to think about where in your life you are experiencing fear – and notice if it is actual fear or anticipated fear. 99.99% of the time, it’s anticipated. What is fear, if nothing more than an anticipation of a terrible outcome from an otherwise normal event or series of events?

What I learned during that flight was that if I had been listening to music or speaking with a neighbor, I wouldn’t have even “taken on” his words. And I would have spared my poor body 20-minutes of a full-fledged anxiety response. It got me thinking about how easily we grab on to other people’s news, predictions, anxieties, fears, and carry them as our own. We have so much input all day (social media, news, family, work) that it’s increasingly harder to find respite and refuge for our brains. Even when listening to folks who are the “experts” in your life (as the pilot was in this case), you have a choice on what you take on to shape your experience of an event. You have a choice on what to internalize and what to simply release.  

So, consider how you might take control back from any anticipatory fears you regularly experience (my “regulars” are turbulence, doctors, dread of my parents dying every time the phone rings at odd hours, and quarterly corporate tax payment days). What if you told yourself a different narrative about what’s coming? What if you lifted the assumptions that next time will be like last time? What if you spoke to folks who have zero trigger around that item rather than those who can commiserate with you for temporary relief? Just imagine the emotional freedom possible.

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

 Aristotle

From Theory to Action

Make a list of your anticipatory fears. Public speaking, performance reviews, a visit with your mother-in-law, disease, aging, spiders, small spaces. Whatever it is for you, just claim it by writing it down. Notice how many fears you’ve actually experienced in the moment and how many were simply the experience of anxious anticipation. Anticipation kills presence and rational thought. It takes your adult brain and turns it into a 2-year old brain within milliseconds.
Next time your anticipation fear creeps in, give your brain something else to do right away. Have it count down from 100 in multiples of 7, have it list 10 things a person non-reactive to this stimulus would say, have it re-organize your to-do list for the coming weeks, have it figure out a good date to plan a next vacation by flipping through the calendar. The magic is assigning your anxious brain something all-consuming to do in that moment. After a few tries, you will start to notice that you can subtly control your brain’s reaction to just about anything. You’re the boss of your fears, not the other way around.

Mind the Gap

One of the most popular topics that clients want to tackle is how to navigate difficult conversations in their organization. Whether it’s equipping managers to have more effective performance reviews with their teams, teaching employees how to bravely ask one another for feedback, or helping senior leaders elevate their impact in negotiations, difficult conversations are difficult because they open up Pandora’s box of mental chatter. Will they still like me? Is it OK to say that? What if I get fired? How can I say it in a way that doesn’t upset him? How do other managers learn how to do this? Am I the only one who hates these conversations? Where has all my confidence gone? And so on…

I’d like to ease your stress in how you approach difficult conversations (or any important conversation for that matter). It all boils down to one secret ingredient: TIME.

Difficult conversations only become difficult when time creeps in. Let me repeat – conversations only attract the adjective “difficult” when time has elapsed. For example, if something that a colleague said yesterday bothered you all night, I promise that it’s better to talk with your colleague today rather than wait a week or one month from now or next time he violates your trust or – worse – never. Time calcifies the distance between two people. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. And when you do decide to have the conversation, all sorts of resentment and judgment have made their way into your space, causing extra unease and disharmony.

Teams who truly get this go on to become exceptional teams (or colleagues or cohorts or families or friends). They are the ones who know how use time to their advantage. Say something early and often, before it gets charged. You just magically downgraded a “difficult” conversation to a simple conversation.

Some of my clients argue that they want to be thoughtful and really process what occurred with the colleague before bringing the incident up. While it’s completely fine if you need a minute (or a day), I don’t want you waiting longer than that. Time mutates thoughtfulness into rumination. Any longer than you actually need to process thoughtfully will cause the debris of the conversation to start spinning. The simple misunderstanding becomes a disagreement, the disagreement becomes an issue, and the issue becomes (sometimes unbridgeable) distance.

Time is toxic when it comes to difficult conversations, feedback conversations, or alignment conversations. I don’t mean to oversimplify your angst, but I promise that the sooner you tap your authentic bravery and claim the opportunity to hash it out, the better you are equipped to handle any conversation that comes your way. And that, my friends, is an incredible tool in your leadership belt.

A cornerstone of true connection is the ability to have difficult conversations.

Anonymous

From Theory to Action

What conversations have you been postponing or avoiding? How is your team health right now? Your relationship health? Your friendship health? While it would be nice to magically equip everyone else in knowing what’s going in your head, that’s not the road of leadership. Buckle up and do an honest inventory of which relationships at home or work need a recalibration. Rate the current authenticity and trust on a scale of 1-5. Anything less than a 4 will not do for you. You deserve better and so it’s time to create better.

Here are some easy steps to help you on your journey:

1. Pick the one or two relationships you plan on re-calibrating through conversation.
2. Formally invite re-calibration (ie. Hey, I’m concerned about something that happened last week and I really want to clear it up with you. Can we talk?).
3. Set a time and date to speak – the sooner, the better (obviously).
4. Name the beast using time as the segue (ie. I realize a week has gone by and I don’t want any more time to pass before you and I figure out what happened in that meeting.)
5. Express objectively (what actually happened, not your version of the story).
6. Express subjectively (how did what actually happened make you feel or what impact did it have on you).
7. Open up to dialogue (ask a great question, offer a recommendation, sit in silence while the person has a moment to respond).

This stuff isn’t easy, but it is quite simple (as all good truth is). I hope you continue to stand in your leadership integrity moment by moment and day by day. Don’t allow time to get in the way of your most powerful and present life. Let me know how it goes! (And if your company or team is really struggling with difficult conversations, email me at valia@theparadoxofleadership.com so we can get you some more formal training and support.)

Unsocial Media

So, my dog’s Instagram account has more followers than my professional Instagram account. There, I said it. I didn’t find that fact terribly troubling until I saw how concerned my husband was. “You know Henry has more followers than you, right?” Yes, of course I know – I’m Henry’s CMO. I give myself kudos for finding 184 people that happily like Henry’s photos and enjoy tracking his life alongside us. They are quite an engaged followership, if I do say so myself. If you’re interested in joining >>> @HenryintheOC.

In earnest, I’m just not a social media person. Those who know me well would tell you I’m actually quite an unsocial media person. I am private, contained, and very introverted. I like pen and paper. I prefer to talk to people in person. I don’t know the first thing about popular culture and could care less about celebrities. My day job requires a constant monitoring of others and their emotions, conflicts, needs, fears. When I’m off, I like to be completely off. The times I do engage, entire hours drift by and I look around to see life happening while I’m getting a kink in my neck and wrist by scrolling on my phone.

Beyond the physical and emotional challenges of my relationship with these mediums, I am a firm believer that if unharnessed, social media has direct and debilitating impact on people’s self-esteem and potentiality. People compare their insides to everyone else’s outside and that goes against every fiber of my being and what I stand for as a personal leadership expert. And yes, I know that I coach and speak at some of the world’s most prestigious social media brands. The ironies here don’t fail me.

Recently, this tension of finding meaning through volume, playing the game of quantity over quality has really been sitting with me. Even though my entire business has been built on word-of-mouth love, it’s time for me to evolve on a quantum scale. My vision for the impact I want to make on the world is ginormous. I crave depth for the masses. I want to do my part in raising the consciousness of the planet, one leader at a time and one organization at a time. How does one do this without fully engaging in social platforms? I suppose they don’t.

Thankfully, I continue to find pockets of light on social media – people and brands that are sparking such good in the world – creating meaningful conversations, serving their communities, sharing their passion and purpose without making others feel less-than. I applaud them and admire how they make a difference.

Through much of my own coaching and reflection, I finally get that my mission is larger than my discomfort. My message is bigger than my judgment of the medium. My desire to help is greater than my ego.

So, in the spirit of authenticity and vulnerability, I’d like to commit to you that it’s time for me to amplify my voice beyond the safety of this incredible newsletter community. I am ready to double-down on the WHY of the message and release the HOW it gets into the world. A book will be arriving soon as well as more video content, programming, and – of course – social media engagement. Thank you for listening to this vent.

Oh, and I’d be remiss to not ask: Please follow me @leadwithvalia.  You can click the Instagram button at the bottom of this email. I’d like to at least get competitive with Henry’s numbers.

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

Benjamin Franklin

From Theory to Action

My ask is selfish this week. Please share with me the type of content you’d love to see via Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube, or this newsletter. What are you craving right now? What would be most helpful as you’re making your way through your leadership journey? What is missing in your organization? What does your team need? I want to ensure that the content is curated for those who are fully committed to this work (ie. YOU!). I am a content-generating machine and happy to serve in whatever way is best for this community.
And needless to say – any and all tips, ideas, recommendations, and suggestions on HOW the content makes it into the world via social media are more than welcome. Just email me: valia@leadwithvalia.com. Thank you.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I’ve been facilitating several women’s leadership programs this month and one of the themes that’s bubbled up is – what I’ll call – the shadow side of joy. The women I work with are at the top of their game, running incredible companies, leading organizations through industry-wide change, expanding families, giving back to their communities. They are brilliant and kind and generous. And wow.

Most of the programs I run are centered around taking space for a day or two. This space allows for some time to reflect and reset before traveling down the next stretch of to-dos. The fascinating thing I’m observing is that the minute they take this pause to consider how “well” things are going, they freeze. They become scared, uncomfortable, and even withdrawn. It is extremely hard for them to sit with the good for a beat.

In the past, I would have attributed this to overachievement. There’s no time to pause, let’s move onto the next mountain to climb. Tons to do. Let’s keep reaching for impact, achievement, and motion. What I’m realizing, however, is that it’s much deeper than an addiction to overachievement. It’s much darker and more raw. It’s actually a sheer dread that if I stop for too long to acknowledge and appreciate what I have, it might prompt the other shoe to drop. It might trigger something bad – a sickness, a loss, a failure.

Growing up Greek, I am all-too-familiar with waiting for the other shoe to drop. Our entire culture is haunted by the evil eye – don’t ever talk about what is good in your life because you will be doomed and it will be taken away. Guaranteed. (That’s the unedited version. The edited version looks like wearing a little blue charm around any part of your body that warrants jewelry. But believe me, there is an entire heritage of fear bundled in that blue stone – it’s not for decoration). This entire mindset of waiting for the other shoe to drop presupposes that there is only so much good we can handle in our lives – and once it’s reached the cap, good luck and brace yourself. The tragedy in all of this is that we never get to actually experience joy. We work for joy our entire lives and when we sense it’s right around the corner, the dread kicks in. I don’t deserve this, what if it’s taken away, what if I lose everything, what if he gets sick, what if something happens to her, I can’t survive without them, I can’t be that lucky, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

There is no scarier emotion than joy. Because allowing yourself to feel it utterly and completely is also an acknowledgement that it can’t always be this way. I wish I had a magic bullet leadership tool for this one, but I don’t. I, too, struggle with a propensity towards action so that I don’t have to sit with the discomfort that it’s not always going to be like this. And it suffocates me.

What I do want to offer is an invitation. While this waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome may be the very tangible shadow side of joy, we do have a choice. The ups and downs of life are part of the human experience. And I wonder if we can spend the ups in gratitude, presence, and appreciation rather than in despair, worry, and angst. Rather than doubling-down on the downs, I wonder if we can be where we are. Perhaps even open ourselves up to the possibility that sitting in joy may actually bring forth more of it. I predict that joy can beget more joy because we learn to build a muscle of accessing it, sitting in it, celebrating it, and knowing what the heck to do with it when it arrives. While it’s scary to ponder what we might lose, I think it’s much scarier to never actually live and appreciate what is.

I invented my life by taking for granted that everything I did not like would have an opposite, which I would like.

Coco Chanel

From Theory to Action

Make a list of everything that is good in your life. I want a nice, long list. Really sit with the people, places, experiences, and emotions that arise on this list. Don’t just write them – feel them. What do you appreciate? Why? How has this person shaped your life? How did that experience unlock something for you?

Notice any discomfort as you add items to your list (worry, angst, regret, remorse, etc.) and quietly redirect yourself back to that space of love, appreciation, and honoring. Just like waiting for the other shoe to drop is a mental and cultural habit, amplifying joy and creating resiliency around joy is a habit.

Give yourself a few minutes each day to access joy – through memory or live experience. Rather than worrying about its transience, focus on its presence in that moment. You are actively expanding your cap for joy.

Lessons from the Court

I can’t tell you how many leadership lessons I’ve learned playing Tennis. Since moving to SoCal, Tennis has creeped up to my Top 5 list of life priorities right now. You wouldn’t necessarily see that dedication if you watched my doubles game, but at least you’d see me having a good time chasing a yellow ball around. 

Here are three of my favorite leadership lessons from the court: 

1. RESILIENCE – Every shot is a chance to begin again.

Anyone who has played a sport knows that the mental game is even more important than the physical game. Tennis is ALL mindset. You hit a few good balls and your mental chatter quiets down, you get in your flow, and you feel unstoppable. Conversely, you hit a few balls into the net and your mental chatter spreads like wildfire, your body is running on frustration, and you continue to bomb and look at the racquet as if it’s the racquet’s fault.

Perhaps the most important lesson in Tennis (and leadership) is that every moment is a chance to reset and choose how you want to show up. Do you keep on the frustration train or jump off, breathe, and reset for a new beginning? Resilience is not about playing like a Pro on or off the court; it’s about how quickly you can get back to neutral and prepare for the next shot, meeting, interview, etc. Resilience is about spending the absolute minimum time in remorse or regret. Bounce right back, shake it off, and get ready for a clean slate.
As my coach always says, the ball never knows what happened in your previous point.

2. PACE – Speed and accuracy are inversely correlated.

I’ve been playing for a couple of years now. And I’m not one who enjoys status quo (for better or worse). When I see my game at a standstill, I double-down to take it to the next level. For me, the next level right now is about speed. I play a very “nice” game, but there’s not an ounce of aggression or offense in it. As I’ve taken it up a notch in the speed category, I’m learning that accuracy is likely going to be the cost. Some balls feel incredible at speed and others look like I’m playing the wrong sport (hello, baseball outfield).

My coach reminds me that it’s OK to barter accuracy for speed once in a while. I reflect on how leaders push that accelerator all the time. They want to go faster, harder, more innovation, more products, more market share. I urge you to think about the balance between speed and accuracy. Sometimes, it’s appropriate to gun it and go for lightning speed. Other times, it’s more important to pace yourself and the organization so that change can take hold and filter through the game or organization properly. Be mindful of your pace and make conscious choices around it. That self-awareness is often the difference between a win and loss.

3. RISK – There is no room for hesitation; you’re not going to break anything.

I overthink everything in Tennis. I hit the ball too late and find myself in no-man’s-land between the base line and service line as if it’s my job. The more I overthink and hesitate, the more my game stalls. As my coach often tells (or yells), hesitation is a killer on the court (and in the office). Once you’ve set your course and aligned your team-mates, it’s time to go. There is a time for thinking, strategy, discussion, and buy-in and there’s a time for action and momentum.

Consider your relationship with risk. I default to playing it safe so that the ball goes in reliably and we can keep a point going. My risk tolerance is pretty low because I’m a collaborative player. Put me against a shark and I get eaten alive. So, I’ve had to really think about what risk means on and off the court. In most things around leadership (and obviously in Tennis), you’re not going to break anything. You have a chance to really go for it and change the landscape of your organization, team, family (or point). Risk as expansion rather than risk as fear is an essential part of a leader’s journey.

Tennis uses the language of life. Advantage, service, fault, break, love – the basic elements of tennis are those of everyday existence, because every match is a life in miniature.

Andre Agassi

From Theory to Action

Pick whatever sport or hobby you’re invested in right now and learn to track the leadership lessons. It’s incredible how much deeper we fall in love with our passions when we can pull the threads and connections into all that we do. Remember that leadership is holistic and seeing it bubble up in the moments of our days is how we continue to invest in our personal and professional development.

So, your challenge between now and when we meet next is to unlock leadership lessons from your daily activities. How you do anything is how you do everything so notice who you are being in your hobbies. Are you bossy? Aggressive? Collaborative? A sore loser? A gracious teammate? A team captain? A quiet observer? Only involved in solo activities? Notice your patterns, habits, preferences, and tendencies. You will be amazed at how these ways of being inform all of who we are. 

It’s Never too Late

I was teaching an Elevator Pitch class this week at a local career development center where I volunteer. I normally get a mixed bag of “clients” in the room – industry changers, mothers returning back to work, multiple interview rejection folks, recent grads not knowing which way is up. I would say it’s usually mid-career, people in their 30s – 60s. I take an inside-out approach to the otherwise daunting task of an elevator pitch. Forget what you’ve done historically, talk to me about who you are and what matters to you. We engage, we create, we wordsmith – it’s a fun couple of hours and I love watching people shift from dread to pride around these statements. 

So this time, something strange happened. One of my “clients” was 80 years old. She said she was applying for a new job as a site manager at a Senior Center. When I asked what success would look like for her that evening, she said “to learn something new.” Seemed harmless enough. Welcome, Charlotte, glad to have you here. 

I start doing my thing and engaging the group and Charlotte begins to question everything I’m saying. I take a few of her comments and live coach them so the rest of the group can see the distinctions. She keeps nagging, refuting, and distracting the class. I teach a piece of content, she tells me why Henry Ford would disagree. 

After giving the rest of the group an exercise to try, I pull her aside to get to the bottom of this block. What does she want? The job as the site manager. What are her strengths? She says nothing. I ask again about strengths and she can’t express a thing – only that she is used to being a number 2 her entire career and making the boss look good. Other than that, she’s nothing and nobody. I re-frame that for her, “Charlotte, you are making a shift from being the mastermind behind the operation to now wanting to lead the operation.” She smiles but doesn’t bite. We went back and forth live coaching for 10 minutes while the others worked. She just wouldn’t budge, the walls were thick with pain and fear. She couldn’t think of a single good thing to say about herself and to protect from that pain, she just wouldn’t play or would distract the other players. I was annoyed and her page was empty. 

Finally I ask, “Why do you want this job anyway if you think you’re not qualified?” She answered, “To pay my bills and afford my apartment.” I snapped. “That’s a lousy reason, Charlotte. You can get a job anywhere paying the bills. You need to compel me as to why you and why this job.” 

I felt terrible. Here I was half a century younger, telling her she’s not showing up good enough to her life. But I instinctually knew that tough love was what she needed. Her story was owning her rather than her owning her story of being a Number 2. 

At the end of the session, I had everyone stand to share their elevator pitches in front of the group for some final direction and wordsmithing help from me. Charlotte went last. When it was her turn, I stared at her and simply prompted, “Don’t worry about the pitch. Just share with me how your friends would describe you in this job. What makes you special and what do they love about you?” 

Here’s what she said: I always remember people’s names. We have 100 seniors at our center and I know all of their names. I also know all of their stories. They come to us because they’ve lost someone and are lonely. By knowing their stories I’m able to connect people with new friends and they feel whole and complete again. That’s what I do. 

It was perfect. The entire room was moved. That was an elevator pitch if I ever heard one. She remembered everyone’s name and behind each name was a story – that was her special sauce in the world. 

So I was reminded that night that personal leadership is for everyone – from 0 to 100. Charlotte just happened to be 80. She did learn something new that night, just as she asked. She learned that she can step into her strengths and share about them in an authentic way. From that space, she knew the job was already hers. 

And I learned that helping to unravel people’s stories and show them that they matter is really all that matters.

We should start referring to “age” as “levels,” so when you’re level 80 it sounds more badass than just being an old person.

Rebel Circus

From Theory to Action

Where do you have walls up so that the story you’re telling is preventing the world from hearing your elevator pitch? An elevator pitch is nothing more than sharing a bit of you – beyond the bit that makes it on a resume or cover letter or LinkedIn profile. I like to think of it as a Personal Leadership statement. Your declaration to the world. What matters to you? How do you activate your strengths in a unique way? Why do you want what you want next?
Next time you feel stuck at a networking event or job interview, don’t succumb to the daunting stress of an elevator pitch. Re-frame it as an opportunity to take one of your foundational strengths (problem-solving, let’s say) and tell a story around how you do that strength of problem-solving uniquely and what impact that problem-solving approach has on the people around you and the organization at large. Follow the simple formula:
Elevator Pitch = Strengths + How You Do Those Strengths Uniquely + Impact Of Those Strengths
If you want to go nuts, try the formula in the reverse order and voila – you have an elevator pitch.

SNEAK PEEK

A special edition note for you today.

I’m thrilled to share my most recent labor of love – the official VALIA website. Ironically, my lifelong journey towards “more” – wanting to serve more people and make more impact and expand to more clients in more industries through more coaches on my team – has brought me right back to the essence of who I am: a teacher. Each day I wake up and ask only one question: Who am I meant to serve today?

The Lead With Valia website is simply me speaking to you and sharing my craft and voice with the world. As I set on the next adventure of expanding the speaking and writing components of my work, I am reminded to always stay true to who I am without apology or regret. And I wish this freedom for you.

So, welcome to VALIA. The brand plays at this very interesting place where business and spirituality intersect. Very few people are willing to go there and I believe it changes everything. And I am grateful to you – for being one of the progressive few who gets it. One of the evolved leaders who invests in raising your own consciousness and that of your family, community, and organization each and every day. Whether we have met through coaching, your team’s offsite, a company event, an industry conference, or a training program – the world desperately needs us and I’m humbled to share my piece of that contribution with you.

Solitude

I don’t usually have to think hard in order to write these journal entries to you. I go about my daily life and ideas drop into my consciousness. I jot down the most important nugget that feels like wisdom (to me) and then craft it into something meaningful and understandable when I’m back in front of the computer. Sometimes it’s 5 minutes, other times it’s 30. I don’t mean this to sound dismissive or arrogant, it’s just the simplicity and ease of my creative process and how ideas seem to interact with me in the world. 

So, I’m just back from a 2-week Peruvian adventure and my newsletter deadline is fast approaching. The Wednesday before the Friday launch. No ideas have bounced in. Strange. I try and think of something leadership-worthy and nada. I pick up a few of my favorite books for inspiration, trusting that the idea will plop down into my head as it always does, and … silence. Now I worry because I’m expecting an email from my program manager reminding me of the deadline. I hate to force my writing. I think hard – even for an ordinary topic – and nothing. The well is dry. But, why? 

Why? Once I asked that question, the wisdom dropped into my awareness like clockwork. For the past few weeks, I have dropped everything in my routine. My meditation, my journaling, my reading, my exercise – essentially, my solitude practices. I got sucked into the elation of our exotic travels and the fun of bouncing from tour to trek to restaurant to laughter with friends. I ignored the daily practices that keep me ticking on point. Where I went wrong was thinking that “holiday “ is an equal replacement for solitude. I assumed the joy of travel and being away from the everyday was the ritual. 

With intentional solitude, the world concedes. It’s a magic little thing that happens. It’s like time and space decide to respect your commitment to take a few minutes to just be and prolong their impatience for a while longer. The more I learn about solitude, the more I see the purity of its essence and the power and healing it contains. It’s like taking a shower or cleaning out a closet to make room for what’s to come. It nourishes from the inside-out. It’s where creativity and calm and connection live. 

So, lesson learned. My relationship with creativity (for me = writing) lives in solitude and ritual. My ideas love their host (aka me) to be fully present and ready to receive. They apparently don’t love an overly booked calendar (albeit joyful one) with no room to just be so they can pop in and say hello. Definitely an important lesson learned. 

PS. For those who cringe when you read the word solitude, don’t panic. Solitude is not loneliness. Solitude is not introversion. Solitude is not isolation. Solitude is simply an intentional few (or many) moments each day that allow you to reset and energize with what fills you most.

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes… including you.

Annie Lamott

FROM THEORY TO ACTION

Take a look at your calendar and see what’s coming up that might disrupt your “normal” routine. Whether a holiday or work trip, spend some time thinking of solitude moments or rituals that can offer you extra fuel amidst the disruption. Whether a gratitude list before bed or packing a pair of sneakers to take a long walk after meetings, these moments of connection with self are where creativity and fulfillment reside. We’re all busy. But living for busy-ness is probably the least inspiring life we can lead. Steal some moments for yourself and watch how busy-ness concedes.

Ode to KB

This week marks 10 years of “yes”. My husband and I got engaged on the Summer solstice of 2009 and tied the knot at City Hall with four of our favorite humans exactly a year later. (The big fat Greek wedding – in Greece – that ensued a month afterwardswarrants more leadership lessons than a newsletter is equipped to handle. You’ll read about that in the book.) 

You’re catching me in a grateful, vulnerable, and reflective state this week as I look backon a decade. It seems like a significant chunk of time that’s worth holding for a minute before moving on to what’s next. So, I thought I’d share a few of the top leadership lessons we’ve learned thus far. 

1. The Ordinary IS the Extraordinary. When I’m wiped from consecutive weeks oftravel, I can plummet into a temper tantrum of exhaustion. Why does it have to be so hard? I just want to be a lady who lunches. I never get to see you. I’m never home. What’s the point, it all goes to taxes anyway! My husband has learned that the quickest way to help me get back to neutral is to let the rant exhaust itself. (You marry a coach, you become a coach!) When the drama comes to a close, he asks me what we want to do with the time we do have together that day or weekend. And I’m always surprised how ordinary my answer is.  I want to walk Henry together or BBQ on Sunday night or organize the storage closet or go buy a new plant. It’s the ordinary that creates an extraordinary life, I’m learning. The day-to-day rituals that create the shapes of our days and weeks and years that I wouldn’t trade for the world. If we could all learn to revel in the ordinary of our relationships, imagine what’s possible when the extraordinary walks in the door.

2. Naming It Works Every Time. My husband and I are really good at naming the good stuff. We honor each other’s strengths, our never-ending list of things we’re grateful for, what needs to happen in our businesses, our goals as a family. That’s a piece of cake for us. Naming the tough stuff is another story. We both grew up in very loving homes. Nonetheless, truth was swallowed, tough feelings were denied, and no one talked about what was actually going on in an effort to protect everyone else. (Another chapter in the book – stay tuned.) The intention was love, the impact was not. We both learned the skill of passivity or even silencing when things get tough.Unlearning this pattern has been a labor of love this past decade. Here’s what we’ve come to know for sure: Every argument can quickly be diffused once one of us hasthe courage to name what was actually going on. I’m hurting. I’m stressed. I’m scared. All the walls dissolve and love finds its way back in. If we could all learn to name what’s truly coming up for us from a place of good intent and commitment to not run away, imagine what’s possible for our families, teams, and organizations.

3. Being Seen Is The Greatest Gift We Can Give. After getting married and buying an apartment in NYC, we both quit our well-paying jobs to do what we love. This bold move led to some very interesting times of tension around money, judgment, fear, scarcity – all while getting to know who the heck we were as a newlywed unit. How did we get through the other side of the roller-coaster? We kept seeing each other. Holding space for our dreams, honoring each other’s potential, remaining steadfast to what we could grow into – together. Despite our then-current state of uncertainty and seas of unwarranted opinions from others, I would see my husband as the hospitality leader that he is – ripe with his superpowers of generosity and kindness. He would see me as the leadership leader that I am –always encouraging me to invest in my core values of growth and freedom. I remember reading a quote once that has been on our bulletin board ever since: “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Those are words we live by. This gift of seeing each other and seeing the world – together – is the glue that anchors us into this life we’re building.If we could all see each other for who we are and who we are becoming, imagine what’s possible for even the most pressured relationships in our homes, organizations, and beyond.

So, from my heart to yours, I wish you partnership. Whether it’s a spouse or child or parent or co-worker – I wish you the courage to invest in the partnerships that you deem worthy of your life’s journey. It’s these few, important people in our lives that make the journey worth traveling.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

The quote on our wedding invitation

From Theory to Action

Pick one of your most important relationships. A boss, co-worker, friend, child, spouse – anyone that’s on your Top 5 humans list. Do a little inventory as I’ve done above. What makes this relationship tick? What have you learned along the way? What do you most appreciate about the other? About yourself? Consider the lenses I’ve shared: Ordinary is the extraordinary – what are the ordinary moments you create together?;Name what’s really going on – how courageous is your relationship?; See each other – how much energy goes into holding space for one another’s dreams? 

Once you’ve reflected, I urge you to share it with your person. Sometimes – actually, always – acknowledging what is good allows it to multiply. 

Wishing you all a wonderful Summer!

Unlikely Teachers

I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. I have missed writing to you. I’m wrapping up my fifth week on the road – ‘tis offsite season! Thank you for standing by! 

The fun part of being on the road is that you meet plenty of unlikely teachers. You know what I’m talking about – people who trigger you, people who delight you, people whose worlds and yours would have never intersected had you not been outside of your normal routine. 

I had a really interesting teacher show up in my life last week. I was speaking a client’s annual Summit in Las Vegas. While I’m normally in and out of speaking engagements to maximize my productivity (topic for another day), I stayed back for an extra day. It was such a treat to be able to watch other speakers, learn about the company’s products, meet some of their clients, and see how they’re shaping their industry. 

I decided to attend a session on psychological safety – a hot topic in peak performance and team dynamics these days. Part of the workshop was interactive. The instructor told us to find a random partner in a room of hundreds so that we could share a personal story and access deeper vulnerability. Now – don’t judge me – here is how my brain rolls in those situations: 

1. Excitement to be in the room learning rather than teaching.
2. Annoyance that I have to work with a partner when I do this stuff for a living.
3. Resentment because I’m so tired from being “on” all day that the last thing I want to do is be “on” in this partner share exercise.
4. Irritation with myself for being so judgmental when I look at my partner (I’ll call him Steve).
5. Acceptance because I’m a good student so I let all this inner narrative go (about 20 seconds worth) and follow the exact instructions.

So Steve and I start the exercise. I went first because Steve was scared to speak (judgment pokes its ugly head again). I shared a moment that had deeply shaped me and a bit about my history and how I ended up in that cold convention room in Las Vegas. He listened blankly and nodded. My time was up. His instruction was to ask me 1 deep question around my story (judgment creeps in again assuming he will ask me a dumb question). He asks: “So, are you happy?” Wow, Steve – didn’t see that one coming! 

Next it’s his turn. Sure enough – different worlds. Steve is from a small town in Iowa. Grew up on a farm and ran his family’s bowling alley. Troubled family relationships, some trauma. Through a few synchronicities ended up in tech. When it was my turn to ask the 1 question, I asked: “What are you most proud of?” It was the bowling alley. 

We ended up having a really nice exchange throughout the paired-share exercises. My judgment transformed into wonder of how the twists and turns in lives bring us to these random moments of sharing intimately with another. Anyway – it was time to go and I was about to do the polite thing – thank Steve, shake his hand, wish him the best. He once again completely caught me off guard and delighted me with his depth. 

He said: “So, given our paths, it’s very unlikely that we’ll ever see each other again in this lifetime. I really wish you all the best and keep doing the great work that you’re doing.” Damn, Steve – thank you. 

I spent the plane ride home thinking about these unlikely teachers. The folks that pop in our lives to share a message, remind us what matters, teach us a lesson, trigger us, or simply extend a moment of kindness. They’re part of our tapestry in a way that warrants appreciation and reverence, rather than impatience or apathy. What would extending wonder in these moments look like? For me –it’s conscious reminders of our connectedness. 

Thanks, Steve! Wishing you a wonderful life as well.

Wherever there is a human need, there is an opportunity for kindness and to make a difference.

Kevin Heath

From Theory to Action

I find judgment an incredibly powerful place to enter into a lesson on leadership. It’s the world holding up a mirror to you through the prop of a trigger. “HEY YOU – pay attention – there’s something here to learn or release or accept!” So, try it! 

Notice the next time you get triggered. It can be anything – bumper-to-bumper traffic, someone cutting you in line to get on the plane, your spouse forgetting to do something, your neighbor moving their trash bins a little too close to your side of the driveway, your boss canceling your 1:1 for the fourth time – literally, anything! 

Rather than getting sucked into judgment’s tempting allure (important note: cousins of judgment include blame, impatience, irritation), throw some wonder or curiosity at the situation: What am I not seeing? What is hidden behind this person or situation? What can I learn here? What’s another way of interpreting this? What would this situation look like if it were transformed? Why is this bothering me so much? What’s actually going on within me? Go for it… ask the hard questions and be set free!