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Please Prime Your Day!

I have had a boatload of coaching sessions since the Corona chaos went full throttle. Some folks are centered. Some folks are suffering. Centered looks like: continuing meaningful work, contributing to neighbors and communities, resetting homes to accommodate the “new normal” of office space, finding time to invest in new low-tech past times, connecting with others virtually, etc. Suffering looks like: glued to the news all day, spreading worry through hourly poll statistics to all who will listen, bashing local government and community decisions, overstocking homes with paranoia paper products, isolating from emotional exhaustion.

Of course there’s a lot of grey area in between – but generally, the difference between the two groups? In my opinion, it’s priming. There is so much energy flying around right now that it is mission-critical to take time and space to prime yourself for each day. Many of us who are highly empathic need to prime several times a day.

What do I mean by priming?
The way you wouldn’t paint a wall without priming it first or start a project without a plan or blueprint first or take a trip without carving out an itinerary first – you can’t start your day during this season of our lives without setting your intention and steering your consciousness in the right direction – first. Period.

Priming doesn’t need to be complicated. It can be a simple gratitude practice, a few minutes of journaling, a family meeting, a prayer, a meditation, a few deep breaths, an inspiring piece of music. Priming is a chance to set the course of your day in the direction you want it to go – while you are guaranteed to have turbulence and curveballs throughout the day. You need to anchor into something that is more important than your fear – something more important than societal angst – something more important than this period of collective chaos.

Many folks have asked about my personal priming ritual. Click audio file above for ideas.

This is a 10-minute guided practice with tips, ideas, and recommended flow for how to think about authoring the shape of your day. I cannot overemphasize the difference I see in people who are doing this and those who aren’t. Those who prime are grounded, calm, and peaceful right now. Those who don’t are anxious, getting sick, and even teetering around depression.

Please take care of yourself. The first five minutes of your day can serve as your anchor. Share this audio with whoever can use some guidance – let’s continue helping one another remain grounded and centered through the storm. This too shall pass.

Indestructible Light

Bizarre times, indeed.

My empath self goes haywire in seasons of crisis. I want to help a million people immediately. I want to wave a magic wand or do a good deed or donate something that can help the planet in some meaningful way. Maybe it’s a recovering people-pleaser thing, or a leadership trainer thing – I’m not sure. But I get super macro in my angst. I want to channel it for good, shine a really bright light, and take away as many people’s pain as a I can.

In the case of what we’re facing today, the pain comes in the form of fear. And fear is a very tricky master. It breeds and breeds and seeps everywhere. Much more dangerous (even more lethal) than any virus. Coronavirus can be avoided with washing our hands and not touching our faces, fear is completely contagious. It’s worse than air-borne… It’s thought-borne. You can turn on the news for a moment and fear attacks you through the television screen. You can speak with a neighbor in panic and it jumps from her to you. You can do a quick toilet paper inventory and go from calm to apocalypse in one breath. Fear is the most contagious virus in existence.

So, the tricky thing with my empath nature meets this fear virus is that I’m stuck at home. And so are you. And so is the neighbor. I’ve been grappling with how we neutralize this fear on a massive scale when we can’t even meet up to talk about it over dinner. In a time when combatting the macro seems really hard, I believe it’s time to turn to the micro. It’s time for us to find mini-moments of good amidst the chaos.

It’s time for us to sprinkle little sparks of light when

we can’t necessarily shine like a lighthouse.

How, you ask? The beautiful thing about sprinkling micro moments of light is that it is basically effortless – and (BONUS!), it too, is contagious… for good! Even the faintest light in a time of darkness illuminates. Imagine a little spark of light turns into a brighter light which turns into really good intention which transmutes into love and community, which ultimately neutralizes fear and replaces it with humanity. The micro quantum leaps into the macro. That’s how we heal this world.

Here are some of the simple micro-practices, which left a resonate glow, that my husband and I have done this week. I offer them to you as a catalyst for what you can do right now to shift from fear to hope, from fear to optimism, from fear to community, from fear to action:

1)    Reach Out To Elderly Neighbors. I texted two of our elderly neighbors to see how they were doing and ask if my husband could get them groceries while he was out. The love they responded with was completely disproportionate to my simple gesture. One answered: “My heart it full with your concerns for my welfare. I am so happy to have you as my friends.” The other: “I love you for reaching out. I am so appreciative.” Letting someone know that you are thinking of them and adding a few extra groceries to your own list (after all – there’s nothing to do these days but go to the Supermarket) – shoots a laser beam of light through the fear of isolation they might be experiencing. And leaves you with a very special afterglow.

2)    Say Grace. Whatever your religious beliefs, there is no time like the present to infuse gratitude into our daily lives. In fact, gratitude works like a prescription drug to fear. Gratitude neutralizes fear. Kosta and I started saying grace before we eat each meal (that’s a LOT of meals now shared together). It’s nothing fancy – it’s just a “thank you” for our blessings and may we keep ourselves a bright light to help neutralize the fear that is out there in the world right now. Whatever comes up in the moment and feels natural – we say “thank you” and may the good multiply for everyone. Intention spreads, energy expands. This practice takes 10 seconds and shifts our entire mindset from what we just “took on” from someone else’s fear and turns it into deep appreciation, love, and grounding.

3)    Meet People Where They Are. This has been the most challenging of the practices for me. Whenever my father calls with more doom-and-gloom news, I insist on getting on my soap box and spitting our statistics, demanding he “get rational about this” and that “corona’s not going to creep in through the windows of the house”. Not nice, I know. Then, I feel terrible and remember he’s 83 and he’s scared. So, what I’ve started doing is deploying a core coaching skill: I see you. (You don’t actually have to say this out loud. You just have to feel it). “I see you” is a mindset. It acknowledges that someone else might be having a completely different human experience than yours to this unprecedented chaos and they want to stay scared. Rather than judge (hello, Valia), simply acknowledge that their reality is true for them. “I see you” mindset allows you to witness someone else, allows them to feel heard – thus dissipating some fear temporarily, and prevents you from getting stuck in their gunk (thus preventing fear contagion).

4)    Create Ambiance. I know this sounds funny, but I can’t tell you how effective it is. We have lit candles, sprayed essential oils, tidyed up, and played beautiful music all day long around the apartment. In a time when we can’t control very much, we can control the beauty and homey-ness of our spaces. These practices bring instant comfort, calm the nervous system, and remind you that there is always safety – even in a storm. I’ve heard families cooking together, parents and kids double-downing into crafts, couples playing board games. Whatever your pleasure, consider some low-tech ways to honor the space that you’re kind of stuck in for a while. Make it beautiful, create cozyness, and notice how fear finds its place in a tiny comfy corner rather than infused in everything.

Whatever your simple, daily practices – please remember that you have plenty of choice and control, even when it may feel otherwise. You get to choose how you show up to this, how you meet others, and whether you are on Team Fear or Team Hope.

Light is indestructible and fear is contagious. These are the facts of the time we’re living in. The micro becomes the macro. While we do what we need to do to get through, please make a conscious leadership choice on how you show up. Sprinkle moments of light each and every day – humanity thanks you.

One single match can enlighten the darkest corners.

Buddha

A Year in Review

I thought for this newsletter, I’d give you an insider peek into what I do behind closed doors. I was recently invited to speak at an incredible organization – HER. It was a beautifully intimate evening of women Founders and Executives coming together to share what’s on their minds and hearts. The topic was “the year in review” and I opted to share my three lessons of 2019 – insights around ambition, meaning, and witnessing.  

I welcome you into my very personal reflections of 2019 and encourage you to distill down yours. There is something extremely powerful about taking an entire year (or decade… yikes!) and grabbing onto its essence. Within this essence are the clues of what you’ve learned, where you’ve been, and where you might be going next. 

I will see you again in January. In the meantime, during this precious season, lighten up the ambition, make some glorious meaning that you’ll look back on and smile, and witness the ever-changing world around you (rather than trying to fix it). I am forever grateful for your notes of love and connection in how this newsletter touches your heart. I write to make sense of the world and to know that there are people for whom these lessons matter means the world to me. Thank you.
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Ambition

I gave a talk at an intimate dinner gathering for Founders in LA earlier this week. Funny enough, we were almost all NYC-transplants. After I shared a bit of my story and riffed on the topic of the evening – 2019 in review – we went around and had each of the women make an “ask”. I love this concept of an “ask” – we use it with several of our clients. It’s a chance to ask for (or offer) something meaningful, rather than mundane. A chance to be vulnerable, raise your hand for support, and be astounded by how many people are delighted to step once given a chance. This evening’s asks included advice on being newly engaged, support through new mom resources, tips for being heard in a room full of older men, leads for a CMO role with a socially conscious company.

As we made our way around the table and learned a bit about each woman’s story, the commonalities were evident. All faced tremendous amounts of self-induced pressure – to be the best at her craft, to heed her endless ambition, to elevate her relationship to new heights, to find the best ways to meditate to quiet her mind. It was a contagion of more, better, best. And, of course, the shadow side of stress, burnout, anxiety, and health challenges that follow this addiction to ambition. It all sounded very commonplace to what I hear in rooms full of high-achieving women. 

One woman in particular stood out from the crowd of angst. She started her ask by saying she didn’t have an ask because she was very content with her life right now. She was a recovering Type A workaholic who had recently gotten divorced after 10 years of marriage. Since going through hell and back, she decided to take the year and spend every day doing the things she had once only dreamt of doing. I’m not talking Eat, Pray, Love – she still works a very demanding career. But the year was one of micro-choices that suited her. Taking a class, sleeping in, choosing faith rather than overthinking when making a decision, building a mindfulness practice, attending a show. Every day this past year, she has done something for herself that stemmed solely from desire. 

This woman wasn’t sure if her ambition had disappeared, but it had certainly transformed into ambition for internal equanimity rather than external accolades. She talked about synchronicity and the way life was happening for her the more she chose herself. As she spoke, the room was enchanted, wondering what type of creature can wholeheartedly say: “I’m really happy with my life right now. There’s nothing I need. I’m complete.” Physically, she was radiant – glowing, calm, self-assured, at peace. It got me thinking about all of the unexpected and surprising gifts that come with repurposing ambition. 

As I start noodling on 2019 coming to an end, I am taking a good hard look at my relationship to ambition. This year was one of (sometimes) blind ambition for me – more for the sake of more, yes because no isn’t an option, more because I love to climb new mountains. Thankfully, I love what I do so more is typically a wonderful more. But there is always a cost. Choosing to be of service to others at the expense of yourself comes with a price tag. I suppose my “ask” would be advice on how to travel a little less for work, build a few more roots and friendships in my new hometown, and develop a full-proof system to check that all of my “yeses” are truly a “yes”.

Those mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian

As you start reflecting on the countdown towards a new decade (what?!), consider your “ask”. What do you need right now that would really serve you? What flavor of ambition are you currently experiencing? What is the shape of your life – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually? I want for you the glow that this woman had. The glow that reflected profound self-love, conscious daily choices of delight, and a willingness to say yes to you first. I won’t pretend to have the answers for you, I’m on the journey myself. But I do know that something about redirecting ambition is a mega clue on the scavenger hunt.

Self-Compassion

I’ve been doing a lot of noodling on resilience lately. Perhaps because clients are increasingly in need of this topic or because I’m coming off of 8 weeks of travel programs and am teetering on burnout myself. Whichever way you slice it or dice it, resilience is the way of the world today. We are all doing too much, pushing too hard, being pulled in too many directions. We need resilience to bounce back and stay anchored along the journey.

What surprised me about a recent course I took was the definition of resilience they offered. In my mind, resilience is an active pursuit. I picture a warrior, a ship in turbulent seas that pushes through the night, an incessant ability to persevere no matter the circumstances. I ascribe passion and energy to the skill.

Their definition of resilience felt wimpy and soft – resilience as self-compassion. What the heck is self-compassion anyway – Positive psychology? Balance? Talking nicely to yourself? Breathing? The first exercise they had us do was to journal about what we want to leave behind or let go of. That was easy. Resentment, judgment, control… the pen just flowed with inspiration, I wrote an entire essay before they rang the bell. Then we had to journal about self-compassion and it was crickets in my brain. I was completely stuck. It felt too obvious and too obscure at the same time. I tried to soften my language, attempted to go deep, but all I could come up with was this:

Self-compassion is tricky for the striving mind that wants to do more and experience life to the fullest. Perhaps expectations are the opposite of self-compassion. After all, aren’t they resentments under construction? Maybe I need to let go of expectations of myself and others. Maybe self-compassion is letting go of disappointments.

My poor definition of self-compassion was littered with inversion – I couldn’t define self-compassion with kindness, only through the opposite and the explanation of what I didn’t want. This was a bummer and I felt sorry for myself and for my definition.

What I learned and what I want to share with you is that self-compassion is a complicated state, especially those of us who want to be more. Sometimes, we want to be more for the sake of more. And that’s a scary place. I can fill in the details for you another time if you’re interested, but the moral of the weekend course was: You’ll only go as far as your love will take you.

These words have been sitting with me since. What do we really love and appreciate about ourselves? Where can we soften to slow down and enjoy a bit of the journey while we climb? What are practices of self-compassion that we can infuse in the every-day. How does our mind cease its grasping nature so that we aren’t the victim of our thoughts?

More questions than answers, but what I do know for sure (thank you Oprah, for that life-changing prompt), is that as Thanksgiving approaches, some self-compassion (rather than compassion for everyone and everything else outside of ourselves), would be a good thing to add to the resilience mix.

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

 Joseph Campbell

From Theory to Action

I would urge you to attempt the same journal exercise I experienced.

1. What are you wanting to let go of and release?
2. What is self-compassion for you?

See what wisdom arises. Notice any blocks. The trick is to not stop writing so your subconscious mind can take center stage and your rational brain can, well…, stop rationalizing your answers. Just let the pen flow and allow yourself to speak truth onto your page. Resilience may have a few more dimensions than we realize.

Anticipatory Fear

Something interesting happened to me earlier this week. I was flying from Orange County to San Jose for a busy week of client programs. It seemed a bit windy the morning of my trip and I saw on my weather app that San Francisco was expecting an equally windy day. I didn’t think anything of it. It’s been unseasonably hot in California this month as the Santa Ana winds are in full swing.

I get to my Alaska flight (I love flying Alaska!) and the pilot informs us that the flight attendants will be seated the whole ride because the turbulence is not in our favor. Now, those of you who follow my leadership chronicles know that turbulence and I are not good friends. You also know that we have come to terms with one another by agreeing to disagree and finding my relative peace in the sky.

I knew there would be turbulence on a very windy day but still felt complete nonchalance. That is, until the moment the pilot announced what to “unfortunately” expect. I froze in that instant. My palms started sweating, my heartbeat doubled in pace, and my bladder immediately activated. We hadn’t even left the gate. Captain Daniel’s words triggered me right into anticipatory fear.

The funny thing about fear is that it only exists in anticipation. What actually happened on the flight was moderate turbulence that didn’t even phase me. What I anticipated would happen was sheer terror until the moment I actually passed through the fear (in this case, turbulence) and realized I was completely fine.

I’d urge you to think about where in your life you are experiencing fear – and notice if it is actual fear or anticipated fear. 99.99% of the time, it’s anticipated. What is fear, if nothing more than an anticipation of a terrible outcome from an otherwise normal event or series of events?

What I learned during that flight was that if I had been listening to music or speaking with a neighbor, I wouldn’t have even “taken on” his words. And I would have spared my poor body 20-minutes of a full-fledged anxiety response. It got me thinking about how easily we grab on to other people’s news, predictions, anxieties, fears, and carry them as our own. We have so much input all day (social media, news, family, work) that it’s increasingly harder to find respite and refuge for our brains. Even when listening to folks who are the “experts” in your life (as the pilot was in this case), you have a choice on what you take on to shape your experience of an event. You have a choice on what to internalize and what to simply release.  

So, consider how you might take control back from any anticipatory fears you regularly experience (my “regulars” are turbulence, doctors, dread of my parents dying every time the phone rings at odd hours, and quarterly corporate tax payment days). What if you told yourself a different narrative about what’s coming? What if you lifted the assumptions that next time will be like last time? What if you spoke to folks who have zero trigger around that item rather than those who can commiserate with you for temporary relief? Just imagine the emotional freedom possible.

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

 Aristotle

From Theory to Action

Make a list of your anticipatory fears. Public speaking, performance reviews, a visit with your mother-in-law, disease, aging, spiders, small spaces. Whatever it is for you, just claim it by writing it down. Notice how many fears you’ve actually experienced in the moment and how many were simply the experience of anxious anticipation. Anticipation kills presence and rational thought. It takes your adult brain and turns it into a 2-year old brain within milliseconds.
Next time your anticipation fear creeps in, give your brain something else to do right away. Have it count down from 100 in multiples of 7, have it list 10 things a person non-reactive to this stimulus would say, have it re-organize your to-do list for the coming weeks, have it figure out a good date to plan a next vacation by flipping through the calendar. The magic is assigning your anxious brain something all-consuming to do in that moment. After a few tries, you will start to notice that you can subtly control your brain’s reaction to just about anything. You’re the boss of your fears, not the other way around.

Mind the Gap

One of the most popular topics that clients want to tackle is how to navigate difficult conversations in their organization. Whether it’s equipping managers to have more effective performance reviews with their teams, teaching employees how to bravely ask one another for feedback, or helping senior leaders elevate their impact in negotiations, difficult conversations are difficult because they open up Pandora’s box of mental chatter. Will they still like me? Is it OK to say that? What if I get fired? How can I say it in a way that doesn’t upset him? How do other managers learn how to do this? Am I the only one who hates these conversations? Where has all my confidence gone? And so on…

I’d like to ease your stress in how you approach difficult conversations (or any important conversation for that matter). It all boils down to one secret ingredient: TIME.

Difficult conversations only become difficult when time creeps in. Let me repeat – conversations only attract the adjective “difficult” when time has elapsed. For example, if something that a colleague said yesterday bothered you all night, I promise that it’s better to talk with your colleague today rather than wait a week or one month from now or next time he violates your trust or – worse – never. Time calcifies the distance between two people. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. And when you do decide to have the conversation, all sorts of resentment and judgment have made their way into your space, causing extra unease and disharmony.

Teams who truly get this go on to become exceptional teams (or colleagues or cohorts or families or friends). They are the ones who know how use time to their advantage. Say something early and often, before it gets charged. You just magically downgraded a “difficult” conversation to a simple conversation.

Some of my clients argue that they want to be thoughtful and really process what occurred with the colleague before bringing the incident up. While it’s completely fine if you need a minute (or a day), I don’t want you waiting longer than that. Time mutates thoughtfulness into rumination. Any longer than you actually need to process thoughtfully will cause the debris of the conversation to start spinning. The simple misunderstanding becomes a disagreement, the disagreement becomes an issue, and the issue becomes (sometimes unbridgeable) distance.

Time is toxic when it comes to difficult conversations, feedback conversations, or alignment conversations. I don’t mean to oversimplify your angst, but I promise that the sooner you tap your authentic bravery and claim the opportunity to hash it out, the better you are equipped to handle any conversation that comes your way. And that, my friends, is an incredible tool in your leadership belt.

A cornerstone of true connection is the ability to have difficult conversations.

Anonymous

From Theory to Action

What conversations have you been postponing or avoiding? How is your team health right now? Your relationship health? Your friendship health? While it would be nice to magically equip everyone else in knowing what’s going in your head, that’s not the road of leadership. Buckle up and do an honest inventory of which relationships at home or work need a recalibration. Rate the current authenticity and trust on a scale of 1-5. Anything less than a 4 will not do for you. You deserve better and so it’s time to create better.

Here are some easy steps to help you on your journey:

1. Pick the one or two relationships you plan on re-calibrating through conversation.
2. Formally invite re-calibration (ie. Hey, I’m concerned about something that happened last week and I really want to clear it up with you. Can we talk?).
3. Set a time and date to speak – the sooner, the better (obviously).
4. Name the beast using time as the segue (ie. I realize a week has gone by and I don’t want any more time to pass before you and I figure out what happened in that meeting.)
5. Express objectively (what actually happened, not your version of the story).
6. Express subjectively (how did what actually happened make you feel or what impact did it have on you).
7. Open up to dialogue (ask a great question, offer a recommendation, sit in silence while the person has a moment to respond).

This stuff isn’t easy, but it is quite simple (as all good truth is). I hope you continue to stand in your leadership integrity moment by moment and day by day. Don’t allow time to get in the way of your most powerful and present life. Let me know how it goes! (And if your company or team is really struggling with difficult conversations, email me at valia@theparadoxofleadership.com so we can get you some more formal training and support.)

Unsocial Media

So, my dog’s Instagram account has more followers than my professional Instagram account. There, I said it. I didn’t find that fact terribly troubling until I saw how concerned my husband was. “You know Henry has more followers than you, right?” Yes, of course I know – I’m Henry’s CMO. I give myself kudos for finding 184 people that happily like Henry’s photos and enjoy tracking his life alongside us. They are quite an engaged followership, if I do say so myself. If you’re interested in joining >>> @HenryintheOC.

In earnest, I’m just not a social media person. Those who know me well would tell you I’m actually quite an unsocial media person. I am private, contained, and very introverted. I like pen and paper. I prefer to talk to people in person. I don’t know the first thing about popular culture and could care less about celebrities. My day job requires a constant monitoring of others and their emotions, conflicts, needs, fears. When I’m off, I like to be completely off. The times I do engage, entire hours drift by and I look around to see life happening while I’m getting a kink in my neck and wrist by scrolling on my phone.

Beyond the physical and emotional challenges of my relationship with these mediums, I am a firm believer that if unharnessed, social media has direct and debilitating impact on people’s self-esteem and potentiality. People compare their insides to everyone else’s outside and that goes against every fiber of my being and what I stand for as a personal leadership expert. And yes, I know that I coach and speak at some of the world’s most prestigious social media brands. The ironies here don’t fail me.

Recently, this tension of finding meaning through volume, playing the game of quantity over quality has really been sitting with me. Even though my entire business has been built on word-of-mouth love, it’s time for me to evolve on a quantum scale. My vision for the impact I want to make on the world is ginormous. I crave depth for the masses. I want to do my part in raising the consciousness of the planet, one leader at a time and one organization at a time. How does one do this without fully engaging in social platforms? I suppose they don’t.

Thankfully, I continue to find pockets of light on social media – people and brands that are sparking such good in the world – creating meaningful conversations, serving their communities, sharing their passion and purpose without making others feel less-than. I applaud them and admire how they make a difference.

Through much of my own coaching and reflection, I finally get that my mission is larger than my discomfort. My message is bigger than my judgment of the medium. My desire to help is greater than my ego.

So, in the spirit of authenticity and vulnerability, I’d like to commit to you that it’s time for me to amplify my voice beyond the safety of this incredible newsletter community. I am ready to double-down on the WHY of the message and release the HOW it gets into the world. A book will be arriving soon as well as more video content, programming, and – of course – social media engagement. Thank you for listening to this vent.

Oh, and I’d be remiss to not ask: Please follow me @leadwithvalia.  You can click the Instagram button at the bottom of this email. I’d like to at least get competitive with Henry’s numbers.

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

Benjamin Franklin

From Theory to Action

My ask is selfish this week. Please share with me the type of content you’d love to see via Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube, or this newsletter. What are you craving right now? What would be most helpful as you’re making your way through your leadership journey? What is missing in your organization? What does your team need? I want to ensure that the content is curated for those who are fully committed to this work (ie. YOU!). I am a content-generating machine and happy to serve in whatever way is best for this community.
And needless to say – any and all tips, ideas, recommendations, and suggestions on HOW the content makes it into the world via social media are more than welcome. Just email me: valia@leadwithvalia.com. Thank you.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I’ve been facilitating several women’s leadership programs this month and one of the themes that’s bubbled up is – what I’ll call – the shadow side of joy. The women I work with are at the top of their game, running incredible companies, leading organizations through industry-wide change, expanding families, giving back to their communities. They are brilliant and kind and generous. And wow.

Most of the programs I run are centered around taking space for a day or two. This space allows for some time to reflect and reset before traveling down the next stretch of to-dos. The fascinating thing I’m observing is that the minute they take this pause to consider how “well” things are going, they freeze. They become scared, uncomfortable, and even withdrawn. It is extremely hard for them to sit with the good for a beat.

In the past, I would have attributed this to overachievement. There’s no time to pause, let’s move onto the next mountain to climb. Tons to do. Let’s keep reaching for impact, achievement, and motion. What I’m realizing, however, is that it’s much deeper than an addiction to overachievement. It’s much darker and more raw. It’s actually a sheer dread that if I stop for too long to acknowledge and appreciate what I have, it might prompt the other shoe to drop. It might trigger something bad – a sickness, a loss, a failure.

Growing up Greek, I am all-too-familiar with waiting for the other shoe to drop. Our entire culture is haunted by the evil eye – don’t ever talk about what is good in your life because you will be doomed and it will be taken away. Guaranteed. (That’s the unedited version. The edited version looks like wearing a little blue charm around any part of your body that warrants jewelry. But believe me, there is an entire heritage of fear bundled in that blue stone – it’s not for decoration). This entire mindset of waiting for the other shoe to drop presupposes that there is only so much good we can handle in our lives – and once it’s reached the cap, good luck and brace yourself. The tragedy in all of this is that we never get to actually experience joy. We work for joy our entire lives and when we sense it’s right around the corner, the dread kicks in. I don’t deserve this, what if it’s taken away, what if I lose everything, what if he gets sick, what if something happens to her, I can’t survive without them, I can’t be that lucky, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

There is no scarier emotion than joy. Because allowing yourself to feel it utterly and completely is also an acknowledgement that it can’t always be this way. I wish I had a magic bullet leadership tool for this one, but I don’t. I, too, struggle with a propensity towards action so that I don’t have to sit with the discomfort that it’s not always going to be like this. And it suffocates me.

What I do want to offer is an invitation. While this waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome may be the very tangible shadow side of joy, we do have a choice. The ups and downs of life are part of the human experience. And I wonder if we can spend the ups in gratitude, presence, and appreciation rather than in despair, worry, and angst. Rather than doubling-down on the downs, I wonder if we can be where we are. Perhaps even open ourselves up to the possibility that sitting in joy may actually bring forth more of it. I predict that joy can beget more joy because we learn to build a muscle of accessing it, sitting in it, celebrating it, and knowing what the heck to do with it when it arrives. While it’s scary to ponder what we might lose, I think it’s much scarier to never actually live and appreciate what is.

I invented my life by taking for granted that everything I did not like would have an opposite, which I would like.

Coco Chanel

From Theory to Action

Make a list of everything that is good in your life. I want a nice, long list. Really sit with the people, places, experiences, and emotions that arise on this list. Don’t just write them – feel them. What do you appreciate? Why? How has this person shaped your life? How did that experience unlock something for you?

Notice any discomfort as you add items to your list (worry, angst, regret, remorse, etc.) and quietly redirect yourself back to that space of love, appreciation, and honoring. Just like waiting for the other shoe to drop is a mental and cultural habit, amplifying joy and creating resiliency around joy is a habit.

Give yourself a few minutes each day to access joy – through memory or live experience. Rather than worrying about its transience, focus on its presence in that moment. You are actively expanding your cap for joy.

Lessons from the Court

I can’t tell you how many leadership lessons I’ve learned playing Tennis. Since moving to SoCal, Tennis has creeped up to my Top 5 list of life priorities right now. You wouldn’t necessarily see that dedication if you watched my doubles game, but at least you’d see me having a good time chasing a yellow ball around. 

Here are three of my favorite leadership lessons from the court: 

1. RESILIENCE – Every shot is a chance to begin again.

Anyone who has played a sport knows that the mental game is even more important than the physical game. Tennis is ALL mindset. You hit a few good balls and your mental chatter quiets down, you get in your flow, and you feel unstoppable. Conversely, you hit a few balls into the net and your mental chatter spreads like wildfire, your body is running on frustration, and you continue to bomb and look at the racquet as if it’s the racquet’s fault.

Perhaps the most important lesson in Tennis (and leadership) is that every moment is a chance to reset and choose how you want to show up. Do you keep on the frustration train or jump off, breathe, and reset for a new beginning? Resilience is not about playing like a Pro on or off the court; it’s about how quickly you can get back to neutral and prepare for the next shot, meeting, interview, etc. Resilience is about spending the absolute minimum time in remorse or regret. Bounce right back, shake it off, and get ready for a clean slate.
As my coach always says, the ball never knows what happened in your previous point.

2. PACE – Speed and accuracy are inversely correlated.

I’ve been playing for a couple of years now. And I’m not one who enjoys status quo (for better or worse). When I see my game at a standstill, I double-down to take it to the next level. For me, the next level right now is about speed. I play a very “nice” game, but there’s not an ounce of aggression or offense in it. As I’ve taken it up a notch in the speed category, I’m learning that accuracy is likely going to be the cost. Some balls feel incredible at speed and others look like I’m playing the wrong sport (hello, baseball outfield).

My coach reminds me that it’s OK to barter accuracy for speed once in a while. I reflect on how leaders push that accelerator all the time. They want to go faster, harder, more innovation, more products, more market share. I urge you to think about the balance between speed and accuracy. Sometimes, it’s appropriate to gun it and go for lightning speed. Other times, it’s more important to pace yourself and the organization so that change can take hold and filter through the game or organization properly. Be mindful of your pace and make conscious choices around it. That self-awareness is often the difference between a win and loss.

3. RISK – There is no room for hesitation; you’re not going to break anything.

I overthink everything in Tennis. I hit the ball too late and find myself in no-man’s-land between the base line and service line as if it’s my job. The more I overthink and hesitate, the more my game stalls. As my coach often tells (or yells), hesitation is a killer on the court (and in the office). Once you’ve set your course and aligned your team-mates, it’s time to go. There is a time for thinking, strategy, discussion, and buy-in and there’s a time for action and momentum.

Consider your relationship with risk. I default to playing it safe so that the ball goes in reliably and we can keep a point going. My risk tolerance is pretty low because I’m a collaborative player. Put me against a shark and I get eaten alive. So, I’ve had to really think about what risk means on and off the court. In most things around leadership (and obviously in Tennis), you’re not going to break anything. You have a chance to really go for it and change the landscape of your organization, team, family (or point). Risk as expansion rather than risk as fear is an essential part of a leader’s journey.

Tennis uses the language of life. Advantage, service, fault, break, love – the basic elements of tennis are those of everyday existence, because every match is a life in miniature.

Andre Agassi

From Theory to Action

Pick whatever sport or hobby you’re invested in right now and learn to track the leadership lessons. It’s incredible how much deeper we fall in love with our passions when we can pull the threads and connections into all that we do. Remember that leadership is holistic and seeing it bubble up in the moments of our days is how we continue to invest in our personal and professional development.

So, your challenge between now and when we meet next is to unlock leadership lessons from your daily activities. How you do anything is how you do everything so notice who you are being in your hobbies. Are you bossy? Aggressive? Collaborative? A sore loser? A gracious teammate? A team captain? A quiet observer? Only involved in solo activities? Notice your patterns, habits, preferences, and tendencies. You will be amazed at how these ways of being inform all of who we are.