T7eY6 – Valia

Solitude

I don’t usually have to think hard in order to write these journal entries to you. I go about my daily life and ideas drop into my consciousness. I jot down the most important nugget that feels like wisdom (to me) and then craft it into something meaningful and understandable when I’m back in front of the computer. Sometimes it’s 5 minutes, other times it’s 30. I don’t mean this to sound dismissive or arrogant, it’s just the simplicity and ease of my creative process and how ideas seem to interact with me in the world.

So, I’m just back from a 2-week Peruvian adventure and my newsletter deadline is fast approaching. The Wednesday before the Friday launch. No ideas have bounced in. Strange. I try and think of something leadership-worthy and nada. I pick up a few of my favorite books for inspiration, trusting that the idea will plop down into my head as it always does, and … silence. Now I worry because I’m expecting an email from my program manager reminding me of the deadline. I hate to force my writing. I think hard – even for an ordinary topic – and nothing. The well is dry. But, why?

Why? Once I asked that question, the wisdom dropped into my awareness like clockwork. For the past few weeks, I have dropped everything in my routine. My meditation, my journaling, my reading, my exercise – essentially, my solitude practices. I got sucked into the elation of our exotic travels and the fun of bouncing from tour to trek to restaurant to laughter with friends. I ignored the daily practices that keep me ticking on point. Where I went wrong was thinking that “holiday “ is an equal replacement for solitude. I assumed the joy of travel and being away from the everyday was the ritual.

With intentional solitude, the world concedes. It’s a magic little thing that happens. It’s like time and space decide to respect your commitment to take a few minutes to just be and prolong their impatience for a while longer. The more I learn about solitude, the more I see the purity of its essence and the power and healing it contains. It’s like taking a shower or cleaning out a closet to make room for what’s to come. It nourishes from the inside-out. It’s where creativity and calm and connection live.

So, lesson learned. My relationship with creativity (for me = writing) lives in solitude and ritual. My ideas love their host (aka me) to be fully present and ready to receive. They apparently don’t love an overly booked calendar (albeit joyful one) with no room to just be so they can pop in and say hello. Definitely an important lesson learned.

PS. For those who cringe when you read the word solitude, don’t panic. Solitude is not loneliness. Solitude is not introversion. Solitude is not isolation. Solitude is simply an intentional few (or many) moments each day that allow you to reset and energize with what fills you most.

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes… including you.

Annie Lamott

FROM THEORY TO ACTION

Take a look at your calendar and see what’s coming up that might disrupt your “normal” routine. Whether a holiday or work trip, spend some time thinking of solitude moments or rituals that can offer you extra fuel amidst the disruption. Whether a gratitude list before bed or packing a pair of sneakers to take a long walk after meetings, these moments of connection with self are where creativity and fulfillment reside. We’re all busy. But living for busy-ness is probably the least inspiring life we can lead. Steal some moments for yourself and watch how busy-ness concedes.

Ode to KB

This week marks 10 years of “yes”. My husband and I got engaged on the Summer solstice of 2009 and tied the knot at City Hall with four of our favorite humans exactly a year later. (The big fat Greek wedding – in Greece – that ensued a month afterwardswarrants more leadership lessons than a newsletter is equipped to handle. You’ll read about that in the book.)

You’re catching me in a grateful, vulnerable, and reflective state this week as I look backon a decade. It seems like a significant chunk of time that’s worth holding for a minute before moving on to what’s next. So, I thought I’d share a few of the top leadership lessons we’ve learned thus far.

1. The Ordinary IS the Extraordinary. When I’m wiped from consecutive weeks oftravel, I can plummet into a temper tantrum of exhaustion. Why does it have to be so hard? I just want to be a lady who lunches. I never get to see you. I’m never home. What’s the point, it all goes to taxes anyway! My husband has learned that the quickest way to help me get back to neutral is to let the rant exhaust itself. (You marry a coach, you become a coach!) When the drama comes to a close, he asks me what we want to do with the time we do have together that day or weekend. And I’m always surprised how ordinary my answer is. I want to walk Henry together or BBQ on Sunday night or organize the storage closet or go buy a new plant. It’s the ordinary that creates an extraordinary life, I’m learning. The day-to-day rituals that create the shapes of our days and weeks and years that I wouldn’t trade for the world. If we could all learn to revel in the ordinary of our relationships, imagine what’s possible when the extraordinary walks in the door.

2. Naming It Works Every Time. My husband and I are really good at naming the good stuff. We honor each other’s strengths, our never-ending list of things we’re grateful for, what needs to happen in our businesses, our goals as a family. That’s a piece of cake for us. Naming the tough stuff is another story. We both grew up in very loving homes. Nonetheless, truth was swallowed, tough feelings were denied, and no one talked about what was actually going on in an effort to protect everyone else. (Another chapter in the book – stay tuned.) The intention was love, the impact was not. We both learned the skill of passivity or even silencing when things get tough.Unlearning this pattern has been a labor of love this past decade. Here’s what we’ve come to know for sure: Every argument can quickly be diffused once one of us hasthe courage to name what was actually going on. I’m hurting. I’m stressed. I’m scared. All the walls dissolve and love finds its way back in. If we could all learn to name what’s truly coming up for us from a place of good intent and commitment to not run away, imagine what’s possible for our families, teams, and organizations.

3. Being Seen Is The Greatest Gift We Can Give. After getting married and buying an apartment in NYC, we both quit our well-paying jobs to do what we love. This bold move led to some very interesting times of tension around money, judgment, fear, scarcity – all while getting to know who the heck we were as a newlywed unit. How did we get through the other side of the roller-coaster? We kept seeing each other. Holding space for our dreams, honoring each other’s potential, remaining steadfast to what we could grow into – together. Despite our then-current state of uncertainty and seas of unwarranted opinions from others, I would see my husband as the hospitality leader that he is – ripe with his superpowers of generosity and kindness. He would see me as the leadership leader that I am –always encouraging me to invest in my core values of growth and freedom. I remember reading a quote once that has been on our bulletin board ever since: “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Those are words we live by. This gift of seeing each other and seeing the world – together – is the glue that anchors us into this life we’re building.If we could all see each other for who we are and who we are becoming, imagine what’s possible for even the most pressured relationships in our homes, organizations, and beyond.

So, from my heart to yours, I wish you partnership. Whether it’s a spouse or child or parent or co-worker – I wish you the courage to invest in the partnerships that you deem worthy of your life’s journey. It’s these few, important people in our lives that make the journey worth traveling.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

The quote on our wedding invitation

From Theory to Action

Pick one of your most important relationships. A boss, co-worker, friend, child, spouse – anyone that’s on your Top 5 humans list. Do a little inventory as I’ve done above. What makes this relationship tick? What have you learned along the way? What do you most appreciate about the other? About yourself? Consider the lenses I’ve shared: Ordinary is the extraordinary – what are the ordinary moments you create together?;Name what’s really going on – how courageous is your relationship?; See each other – how much energy goes into holding space for one another’s dreams?

Once you’ve reflected, I urge you to share it with your person. Sometimes – actually, always – acknowledging what is good allows it to multiply.

Wishing you all a wonderful Summer!

Shift Your Networking Game

I volunteer at this incredible organization in Orange County called WHW (www.whw.org). Their mission is to help empower employment success by teaching people the variety of mindsets and skills necessary to get and keep an amazing job. I see people walk in their doors confused, disheartened, and scared – and walk out of their doors inspired, empowered, and educated. All for free. It’s amazing.

Anyway – I digress. One of the classes I teach is around crafting an elevator pitch. This damn elevator pitch causes so much unnecessary anxiety. And, of course, the elephant in the room is needing to actually use the elevator pitch while networking. Their faces go from bad to worse. Gasp. Sigh. Yuck.

I have seen people shift from fear to freedom in their job search process with a subtle reframing of how to “show up” to the game of networking. While this is a topic of many books and resources and not one I claim to be an expert in, I feel compelled to share my best tips. None of us should be nervous or anxious or avoidant when networking because that defeats the whole purpose of showing up fully ourselves!

So – here you go… get your mindset recalibrated and get out in the world proclaiming who you are!

Stop thinking of networking as selling yourself. If you’re not a self-proclaimed sales person, this approach feels hard and stereotypically inauthentic. We have a lot of culturally programmed allergies to selling. Instead, think of networking as a chance to share yourself. Share what’s inspiring you right now, share some projects that you’re working on, share a bit more of who you are outside of work. Selling carries implicit and explicit judgement – it implies that someone needs to buy who you are.Sharing, on the other hand, feels expansive and non-judgmental. You are simply out there in the world signaling what matters to you and which way you’re heading.
Speaking of which way you’re heading – one of the best ways I’ve heard authentic networking described is asking for directions. You are on a journey from here to there and stop along the way to check-in with others on the path, pick up some clues, and course-correct as-needed. When someone asks you for directions, are you annoyed? Do you feel sold to? Do you avoid them? Probably not. You feel delighted to have helped someone out. People feel the same way about helping you out. Networking as asking for directions is a way to infuse conversations with curiosity, appreciation, clarity – and non-attachment. You know where you want to go (or not), so get out of your head and start asking around for directions!
After you get more comfortable asking for directions, stop categorizing yourself as your job. This is counter-intuitive to every course taught on elevator pitches but I promise it works. By saying “I’m a lawyer”, “I’m a VP of Sales at Amazon”, “I run a digital agency” – you give all your power away in the first 5 seconds. Why? Because the person receiving the information is storing you in their mental rolodex of what they think that job title does or how useful it is or isn’t for them. Instead, try focusing on who you serve and how you do it uniquely. Spark an emotional connection. Ask a question. For example: “You know how it’s so scary to jump from a secure job to starting your own business? Well, I help new businesses navigate the overwhelm of setting themselves up legally. I listen well, distill down the nuts and bolts of what they need to know, and sort out all of the missing pieces. I’m basically in the business of peace-of-mind.” By sharing who you serve and how you do it uniquely, you activate dialogue and intrigue rather than lecture and a simple yes/no response.

“The currency of real networking is not greed but generosity.”–Keith Ferrazzi

From Theory to Action

Whether you are in a job that you hope lasts a lifetime or are itching to figure out what’s next, networking is the oxygen of professional progress. Stop stressing about it and overthinking it. Instead, try sharing, asking for directions, and compelling through emotion. I challenge you to take a new approach to networking this summer. Lighten up, share a little more of yourself, and notice how your elevator pitch flows with ease rather than angst. They’d be lucky to have you as part of their network, I promise.

A Sleeping Aid

I caught myself ruminating the other night. Actually, it’s been on and off for several weeks now. I’ve been pensive – worried about nothing in particular but seemingly everything all at once – health, family, money, the passing of time… it got existential real fast! One worry leaped to the next until a suffocating web of angst drowned out any possibility of sleep. Comically, not being able to sleep triggered yet another recurring cultural program that not enough sleep instigates illness. And on and on the spiral went.

In a desperate attempt to snap myself out of the vortex and get into my conscious thinking brain again (so I could fall asleep), I went to my go-tos: I tried some deep breathing, a body relaxation scan, repeating a mantra. Nothing was working. Out of options, I decided to coach myself in the moment and sit with the angst rather than try and push it away. (Yes, this is what coaches do in the middle of the night – they practice their craft!). What did my angst want and why wasn’t it leaving me alone?

I took the first worry that popped into my head: “What if something happens to my husband?” (Poor guy is the obvious character in the story given it’s 4am and he’s right next to me fast asleep). Before my brain seduced me to follow its trail of worry-thoughts, I confused it with a declaration of gratitude. “I’m so grateful to have this incredible human being sleeping safely and soundly next to me in bed.” Boom. The angst was gone.

I tried again – next worry popped in: “What if Henry’s dog walker can’t take him next month when we want to go away and we’re stuck?” (Henry is the next obvious choice in my worry-story given his 18lb-Boston-Terrier-self takes up three quarters of the bed). Before following the worry to its next stress stop, I slammed it with gratitude. “I’m so grateful for our incredible dog walker, Megan, who loves this creature even more than we do. What a blessing to have her in our lives.” Bam. My heart swelled a little bit and the worry-thought disappeared.

I went on for about 5 rounds of this before I drifted off into a very sweet sleep. This is in no way a Pollyanna attempt to lure you into a gratitude practice (you should be doing that anyway!). Combatting What Ifs with gratitude creates What’s Trues. These reframed truths instantly dilute the pain or fear behind your worry wart thought in the middle of the night. It’s a coaching magic trick.

“What if there’s not enough time?” > “I’m so lucky to have this time today and every day up to now. This year will be the best one yet.”

“What if that project falls through?” > “I’m so grateful that the right clients always seem to find their way to me. Thank you for abundance and impact.”

“What if I can’t say no?” > “I’m so proud of the courageous things I do each day. I always find a way to say no if that’s what I really mean.”

Your What Ifs can be tiny gnat-like worries, or mega bear-like worries. We don’t discriminate. Frame the fear as a What If and cancel, clear, and delete it instantly with a recognition of the opposite in your life. An aspect of the opposite exists in you, I promise.

I’d recommend this self-coaching as a way of life. But if nothing else, it will help you fall asleep faster!

Zero Inbox Illusion

Calling all perfectionists, control lovers, uber-achievers, and organization aficionados! Doesn’t the thought of a well-orchestrated and seamlessly executed zero inbox sound dreamy? Even imagining it fills me with a concerning amount of joy, as if I were walking the halls of the Container Store. Here’s how I see zero inbox: a strategy is set into motion, emails and requests and tasks and meetings are organized across a variety of criteria, and BAM – end of day, I close down the shop with a zero inbox, peace of mind, and proud of a job well down.

I’ve lived most of my life pursing the zero inbox. Not only literally, of course. Zero inbox is more a way of life, a mindset. Completion and reliability serve as fuel for joy and momentum. If I start it, I finish it – and I finish it really well. I’ve always believed that if I can keep up a ridiculous pace and generate a bit more energy along the way, I can get to absolutely everything that comes my way in a given day or week or year.

One obvious flaw in my early-days, naivete is that capacity is finite. Duh, Valia. I overcame this hurdle by simply working more. Substituting any leftover space for play with more work. Easy. Follow this path and some days it works and other days the cost becomes what you’d expect: exhaustion, burnout, malaise, disenchantment… fill in your favorite depletion terminology.

There is a much more subtle (and costly) side effect of zero inbox living. You never get to what’s most important. For those who live this way, you know that there is a quantity vs. quality game. Since the goal of the game is to get to zero, you often gravitate to the really easy things first. Why? Because you can check more volume off of your literal or metaphorical to-do list, silly! It’s much easier to complete “order dish soap from Amazon” or “make vet appointment for Henry” than it is to complete “restructure staff responsibilities” or “create script for speaker reel”. The first two give me a sense of accomplishment (albeit false) while the second two give me agita.

Let’s continue. It’s one thing for me to spend a few extra minutes or hours each day cleaning house because it makes me feel good, even if I only get to volume vs. importance. But the game of quantity over quality or volume over meaning doesn’t work when you introduce others into the picture. Whether your family, your team, your cross-functional partners, your boss – the rules of this game change when you insert another human into the equation.

I was speaking to someone on my staff last week and, as always, we happily agreed: “Let’s go through the easy logistics things first.” Zero inbox 101. Crossing off many things quickly = false but very compelling sense of accomplishment. And as usual, we ended our call rushed, incomplete, and setting aside an additional meeting to get to the important things. And guess how we started the “important things” meeting? You guessed, it… “Let’s go through a few quick things first.” (For our clients who are laughing – yes, we teach what we need to learn most! I can teach you urgent vs. important till the cows come home, but it’s a different story behind my own screen!).

So, we agreed. I told her I would write a newsletter about it this week so that we can publicly declare a commitment to honor what’s more important – not only by word, but by deed. And it’s not that I will pretend to not find joy in completion, it’s just how I’m wired. But I do commit to a little more messiness in the literal and metaphorical inboxof my life. A little more intentionality behind what I’m doing with my most creative hours of the day. A little more awareness when I slip into my tried and true habits of a yearning for a fully crossed-off to-do list. Sigh.

Some of you may be thinking – yes, Valia, you’re talking about prioritization 101. I’m not. I’m talking about something deeper. Shifting from needing perfection and organization to falling in love with messiness and disorder. I’m talking about finding meaning in progress versus perfection. I’m talking about recognizing that 5 minutes or 60 minutes or 3 weeks are not, in fact, created equal. I’m talking about choosing to perhaps leave a few emails or to-dos forever unanswered because that is the most important thing.

“Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things”.– Peter Drucker

From Theory to Action

If you don’t qualify as a perfectionist, control lover, uber-achiever, or organization aficionado – I’m giving you the week off from homework. If you do qualify, however, here’s your challenge. When you find yourself itching to tackle quantity over importance – STOP IMMEDIATELY. Be careful because this habit is sneaky. It might be as covert as “I’ll just tidy up my desk first” or as overt as “I need to get through these two things before I work on …”. Don’t start rationalizing because then you know you’re under the spell of the habit. Just STOP IMMEDIATELY.
After you stop, BREATHE. Look around, take a stretch, grab a sip of water. Then, once clear, ASK yourself: “What’s the most important thing I need to focus on right now?” Most likely, ordering soap from Amazon will not be at the top of the list. If you can connect your most important thing with a top value or business priority or outcome that you’re driving – this will multiply the effect. Then DO – one simple thing towards that most important thing. STOP, BREATHE, ASK, DO. STOP, BREATHE, ASK, DO. That’s it – now STOP reading this, BREATHE, and ASK: “What’s the most important thing I need to focus on right now in order to activate more personal leadership in my life?” So long, Zero.

Unlikely Teachers

I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. I have missed writing to you. I’m wrapping up my fifth week on the road – ‘tis offsite season! Thank you for standing by!

The fun part of being on the road is that you meet plenty of unlikely teachers. You know what I’m talking about – people who trigger you, people who delight you, people whose worlds and yours would have never intersected had you not been outside of your normal routine.

I had a really interesting teacher show up in my life last week. I was speaking a client’s annual Summit in Las Vegas. While I’m normally in and out of speaking engagements to maximize my productivity (topic for another day), I stayed back for an extra day. It was such a treat to be able to watch other speakers, learn about the company’s products, meet some of their clients, and see how they’re shaping their industry.

I decided to attend a session on psychological safety – a hot topic in peak performance and team dynamics these days. Part of the workshop was interactive. The instructor told us to find a random partner in a room of hundreds so that we could share a personal story and access deeper vulnerability. Now – don’t judge me – here is how my brain rolls in those situations:

Excitement to be in the room learning rather than teaching.
Annoyance that I have to work with a partner when I do this stuff for a living.
Resentment because I’m so tired from being “on” all day that the last thing I want to do is be “on” in this partner share exercise.
Irritation with myself for being so judgmental when I look at my partner (I’ll call him Steve).
Acceptance because I’m a good student so I let all this inner narrative go (about 20 seconds worth) and follow the exact instructions.

So Steve and I start the exercise. I went first because Steve was scared to speak (judgment pokes its ugly head again). I shared a moment that had deeply shaped me and a bit about my history and how I ended up in that cold convention room in Las Vegas. He listened blankly and nodded. My time was up. His instruction was to ask me 1 deep question around my story (judgment creeps in again assuming he will ask me a dumb question). He asks: “So, are you happy?” Wow, Steve – didn’t see that one coming!

Next it’s his turn. Sure enough – different worlds. Steve is from a small town in Iowa. Grew up on a farm and ran his family’s bowling alley. Troubled family relationships, some trauma. Through a few synchronicities ended up in tech. When it was my turn to ask the 1 question, I asked: “What are you most proud of?” It was the bowling alley.

We ended up having a really nice exchange throughout the paired-share exercises. My judgment transformed into wonder of how the twists and turns in lives bring us to these random moments of sharing intimately with another. Anyway – it was time to go and I was about to do the polite thing – thank Steve, shake his hand, wish him the best. He once again completely caught me off guard and delighted me with his depth.

He said: “So, given our paths, it’s very unlikely that we’ll ever see each other again in this lifetime. I really wish you all the best and keep doing the great work that you’re doing.” Damn, Steve – thank you.

I spent the plane ride home thinking about these unlikely teachers. The folks that pop in our lives to share a message, remind us what matters, teach us a lesson, trigger us, or simply extend a moment of kindness. They’re part of our tapestry in a way that warrants appreciation and reverence, rather than impatience or apathy. What would extending wonder in these moments look like? For me –it’s conscious reminders of our connectedness.

Thanks, Steve! Wishing you a wonderful life as well.

Wherever there is a human need, there is an opportunity for kindness and to make a difference.

Kevin Heath

From Theory to Action

I find judgment an incredibly powerful place to enter into a lesson on leadership. It’s the world holding up a mirror to you through the prop of a trigger. “HEY YOU – pay attention – there’s something here to learn or release or accept!” So, try it!

Notice the next time you get triggered. It can be anything – bumper-to-bumper traffic, someone cutting you in line to get on the plane, your spouse forgetting to do something, your neighbor moving their trash bins a little too close to your side of the driveway, your boss canceling your 1:1 for the fourth time – literally, anything!

Rather than getting sucked into judgment’s tempting allure (important note: cousins of judgment include blame, impatience, irritation), throw some wonder or curiosity at the situation: What am I not seeing? What is hidden behind this person or situation? What can I learn here? What’s another way of interpreting this? What would this situation look like if it were transformed? Why is this bothering me so much? What’s actually going on within me? Go for it… ask the hard questions and be set free!